I’m Trying Not to Think About It
Hello! It’s been a while since I have written anything, and I figured today was as good as any to try to get back into it. If you know me personally, you know that our family is going through a bit of a rough time. If you don’t know me, I’ll let you in on the details of our most challenging summer thus far. My past blog posts have detailed some of my mom’s health issues. She is a cancer survivor, and through it all she has always remained positive, strong and able to push through even the toughest of things that were thrown her way. But in May she faced some challenges from which she could not bounce back. My dad was unable to continue to care for her at home, and so we had to move her into a place that would be able to give her the best care possible during what will be the last portion of her precious life. I don’t use this word lightly. It is a precious life, whether it’s the beginning, the middle or the end.
This is a heavy topic. But I hope you will come with me on this journey today and in the future. In an age of social media where people continue to post their fabulous trips, their epic wins and all of their successes, I choose to share with you all of what is going on in my life, not just the good stuff. And since I’ve never experienced anything so difficult, I figured some of you may also be in the dark about what is consuming my life these days: loss and grief.
Besides dealing with a very sick mom in hospice care this summer, we also packed up and moved to Charlotte, sent one son to University of Michigan and the other to NC State (proud mom moment here!) You may be thinking, wow Jane, you are crazy! How are you handling all of this?
The answer is… I really have no idea. Some days I don’t know how I will get out of bed. Some days I don’t know how I am still standing. Some days I don’t know if I will be able to sleep at night. It’s so interesting because over the past year I’ve talked about how writing this blog was so therapeutic and offered so much personal insight, and it was one of the first things that I stopped doing. Each week the blog allowed me to think; to organize my thoughts and come to conclusions after trying to make sense of things. But when you lose someone or are going to lose someone, it doesn’t make sense. It makes you question every single thing in your life; at least that’s what is happening to me. I guess right now I’m trying my best not to think about everything coming my way. I have put on a suit of armor in the name of self preservation. I know this sounds harsh and it may not be healthy, but it’s how I am getting through the days.
The thing about the loss that I’m experiencing with my mom, is that it’s coming in pieces. It began with the loss of texting with her, and then the loss of talking to her on the phone. Then it was not seeing her in the home she shared with my dad for 39 years, and now she is slowly slipping away from us, day by day. I’m losing the conversations, the recognition and even basic eye contact. Each visit I have with her, that suit of armor gets thicker and thicker. It has to, because the visits are sad, even devastating at times, and it’s the only way I’m going to survive. Today I am in the airport going up to Alexandria for another visit with my mom in the nursing home. I honestly did not think I would still be doing this so many months later. Some days I wish this was over. Every day I wish I could turn back time. But I know I can’t and I am trying to cherish every single minute I have left with the person who brought me into this world; who gave me life… the best life.
