Your Kids Are Who They Are, No Matter What
One afternoon last fall I was riding my bike on the trail near our house and I noticed a lot of young moms pushing their kids in strollers. I could hear them talking as I rode by… sharing stories of good and bad behavior, laughing about mistakes that they had made, and asking questions about recipes, preschools, and babysitters. I remember those days like they were yesterday. You have so much hope for your kids, and if you have more than one, you try to raise them the same way. At least that’s what happens in the beginning. And then you realize that your kids are completely different, and what works for one may not work for the other, and you try your best to make adjustments accordingly. Something I didn’t realize until recently is that my kids are going to be who they were born to be, no matter what I say or do.
I wish someone had told me this when my kids were young. Not like it would have changed a lot about how my husband and I raised them, but maybe it would have taken the pressure off a little bit. I feel like I was trying so hard to make them be like me. There are things that I have taught them that I think are important in life: working hard, being kind, and how to keep things neat and tidy (your room, your car, yourself). If I had to do it over again, I would definitely teach these same things. In my eyes, they are valuable life skills. And my kids were good listeners and were receptive to what I was saying for a long time. But there will come a time when you start to see changes in your kids. They start to push back a little. They start to question you. They voice their own opinions, and they’re the opposite of yours (gasp). Life starts to get a little more interesting.
I noticed this happening with each of my kids around the same time. It’s that age where they decide they don’t want you picking out their clothes anymore, and they want to go shopping with you. Your son doesn’t want the collared shirt and khaki pants you found in his size. He wants a hoodie, athletic shorts (even in the winter) and high tops. Your daughter won’t wear the skirt you picked out because it’s too long; it’s a mini skirt, not a micro-mini. You can start to see the beginnings of their personalities coming out in the form of the clothing they like. Pretty soon they want to pick their own activities, their classes at school, and they want to plan out their own lives. They are finally becoming who they were meant to be.
Another way I learned a lot about my kids was by reading their college essays. Both of my boys are applying to college this year, and both have totally surprised me with the topics they chose to write about. I am proud of myself because I finally took a hands off approach to parenting, and let them proceed on their own. It was so worth it because it gave me an honest snapshot of their view of themselves, their accomplishments, and their goals. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard for me to do this, but extremely valuable for us both. It allowed them to fully express themselves, and tell their story in their own way and in their own words.
I don’t think it’s ever too late to learn how to be a good or effective parent. We are all constantly growing and changing as the years go by. And as we grow and change we actually learn from each other. I know it may be hard to admit that we can learn something from our kids, but it will happen. And while you may be proud of yourself for all those milestones in your life, nothing will make you prouder than the day you realize your kids are confident enough in themselves to stand in their truth and show you who they really are. It is truly a gift.
